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7 Reasons Why Confrontations Is Difficult

Nobody likes to confront someone else. The word "confrontation" sounds so...confrontational.

But if you've found yourself in a leadership position, you've probably found yourself in a situation where someone needed to be confronted. Maybe it was over unmet expectations, unfulfilled responsibilities, a misspoken word, or attempting to alleviate a conflict. Whatever the situation, you needed to have a conversation with someone and it wasn't going to be an easy conversation.

Because of that, we will often do everything we can to avoid confrontation. We don't like to do it and we think to ourselves that the one who you need to talk to won't like receiving it. So we just don't do it. And then we're surprised when the problem doesn't go away and seems to get bigger.

Here are seven reasons why confrontation is difficult for us. If you identify yourself in one of the reasons below, perhaps it's time to address your own issues so you are better able to confront in a healthy way.

1. Fear of being disliked.

2. Fear of being misunderstood.

3. Fear of rejection.

4. Fear of making things worse.

5. Fear of the unknown.

6. Not used to sharing your feelings.

7. Lack of confrontation skills.

Have you wrestled with any of these? What suggestions would you make to overcome these issues? Since the overwhelming issue is fear, how does one go about working through the fear to engage in healthy confrontation?

Watch for another post that describes the goals involved in healthy confrontation.

Hit The Nail With Your Head

If you don't read Seth Godin's blog...you're missing out.

I can describe it in one word: Really Good!

Just read this post about "hammers." You should too.

Maybe it's time for a new hammer...

One study found that when confronted with a patient with back pain, surgeons prescribed surgery, physical therapists thought that therapy was indicated and yes, acupuncturists were sure needles were the answer. Across the entire universe of patients, the single largest indicator of treatment wasn't symptoms or patient background, it was the background of the doctor.

Read the post in it's entirety: Hammer Time

Where's Your Focus?

As a student leader arriving back on campus and getting ready for the start of a new school year, it's important to determine where your focus will lie. I've narrowed it down to two key areas:

1. People

2. Tasks

There are a lot of tasks that you have to accomplish right at the start. There's a lot to get done. But being in a student leadership "position" and focusing on the tasks doesn't make you a student leader. It's the person who focuses on people - allowing them and empowering them - to accomplish the tasks at hand that moves a student into the realm of leadership.

The advisors, directors, and staff on your campus may call you student leaders, but you don't actually become one until you get people involved in the process...until you make people your focus.

Here's a quick exercise:

1. List out all of the tasks you need to accomplish.

2. What are the two or three things on that list that only you should be doing?

3. Who are the people that you can give the rest of the tasks to?

Answer this question: Why do you feel like you have to accomplish your entire list yourself?

It Starts With You And What You Do

Stacy stood at the front of the room and raised her voice above the crowd of students gathered there.

"May I have your attention please!"

The dull roar of the crowd started to subside but then quickly swelled back to it's original levels.

"Excuse me! I need everyone's attention!!"

Nobody was listening. No one was paying attention. Stacy was getting frustrated.

Have you ever been in this type of situation? You are the leader (whether by name or by position or by your own choice) and you have to get the group moving in a certain direction. The only problem is that people aren't listening to you. You aren't influencing anyone.

One of the core leadership characteristics I encourage student leaders to develop is their ability to influence others. Your influence will be the fuel and motivation behind your leadership. If you have it, people will begin to trust you and then they'll begin to follow you. If you don't have it, you'll soon find yourself standing in front of a room full of people with no one listening to you even though you're shouting at them.

One of the first things I tell student leaders about gaining and growing influence amongst their peers is that they have to make the first move. They must find a way to do something for someone else before they ask them to do something for them. I tell students that they must do the hard work of building a bridge with someone before they can ever ask that person to cross it with them.

It starts with you (the leader) and what you do (the way you add value to someone else).

Before you rush to the front of the room because you are the one in the student leadership position, take some time to earn the trust and gain the influence of those whom you wish to lead. You can do this by:

• Serving someone.
• Encouraging someone.
• Listening to someone.
• Helping someone.
• Affirming someone.
• Empowering someone.
• Giving to someone.
• Making a sacrifice for someone.

Do you see the common thread that runs through each of those tasks in the list? They all focus on meeting the needs of someone else before you seek to accomplish anything through someone else.

So step away from the microphone for a moment. Move back from the front of the room and start in the back of the room by approaching different people and simply asking: How may I help you?

3 Ways To Show You Value Your Teammates

Have you ever been in a position where you simply felt like a "hired hand?"

You were called upon to do all of the grunt work, to keep quiet, and to do your job without causing anyone else any trouble. You felt alone and isolated. When you were around "those in charge" you felt like you were the warm body who only did the things that no one else wanted to do.

That's a bad feeling.

I think it's even worse when you are in a position of leadership and you work in such a way that your teammates begin to feel that way.

A good leader will get people involved.
A better leader will get people involved with significant work.
A great leader will get people involved with significant work that develops more leaders.

Here's the punchline:

Your team wants to be treated as leaders with value and potential.

Student leaders start to operate out of the "hired hand" mentality when they see people as a means to accomplish a task. But that's not leadership, that's simply herding resources. A student leader begins to operate as a leader when he or she sees the tasks before them as a way to invest in and develop their people into better leaders.

Leaders developing other leaders...that's the key.

Here's three ways you can show your teammates that they're more than just people who are there to help you get your stuff done:

1. Show them that the relationship is a very important.
The relationship shows that you accept them for who they are more than for what they can do.

2. Be willing to and express your willingness to give them your time.
Your time is your greatest resource. If you spend time with them, it shows them that you see them as important.

3. They need to see, feel, and believe that you value them as someone who is capable of making a significant contribution.
Your teammates want to do something that's meaningful just as much as you do. Connect their contribution to the accomplishment of the team's vision and goals. Help them to see how their contribution is a vital piece to the whole puzzle.

As the leader, you set the tone. Focus on the people doing the tasks more than the tasks done by people and you'll be amazed at how much more your team accomplishes.

Flickr photo credit: erin kate

Being Influential During Times Of Change

The lastest online edition of Leading Effectively from the Center for Creative Leadership includes an article entitled, 4 Responses To Change - And Why You Need To Know Them. I'd recommend the article for you to read in its entirety. It offers a person in leadership a bird's eye view of how people that you work with might respond to the changes they face. Of course, some responses are easier to lead from then others.

Here's a brief summary:

• The entrenched. Denial and/or "action frenzy" are the initial responses of people who are entrenched.
• The overwhelmed. Someone who is overwhelmed usually exhibits withdrawal and immobilization. People in this group often report feeling depressed and powerless.
• The poser. False bravado is the initial reaction of the poser.
• The learner. Learners feel challenged and stretched, but in control of their destinies.

As you can see, we would all love to lead organizations that are full of learners. But that's not the case. In fact, CCL's Kerry Bunker who has written extensively about these responses states that as many as 60% of people in your organization may be in the entrenched and overwhelmed group when faced with certain change.

As a student leader, whenever you attempt to implement a new program, a new event, or even try to change an existing tradition - people see it as change. Knowing how to lead through these various responses will help to increase the level of influence you have with others.

For example...

• For the entrenched, you need to help them see the value of the change and improvement every single step along the way. Every little change they experience is difficult. Walk with them hand in hand.
• For the overwhelmed, you need to watch out for their contagious negativity. Help them see the positive and the hope that will come with the different future than they expected.
• For the poser, you need to help them be more realistic. They also need to to move in small steps so that their false confidence can be replaced with real confidence.
• For the learner, use them as examples and models for the others. When you add other voices to the discussion it will increase the influence you have over those who are hesitant.

One thing is always certain during times of change - people will push back. You must expect it. It's one of the main reasons that leadership is necessary. Use your leadership influence to help move others along together. Don't let the learners get too far ahead of the rest. Don't allow the entrenched to hold everyone else back.

Want to apply this idea to your current situation?

EXERCISE:
Step #1: Think about the next new event or idea that you and your team are trying to implement. Who are the people who reside in each of the categories?
   - Entrenched: They don't like the idea. They don't want to do it any differently than it's been done before.
   - Overwhelmed: They don't have any energy to help. They are negative and always have a reason why it won't work.
   - Poser: Very excited about the idea at first but never available to help or follow through on assignments.
   - Learner: The ones that you can count on in implementing this event or idea.

Step #2: Now that you know the names, how can you begin to convert the entrenched, overwhelmed, and posers into learners?

Step #3: Take your leadership team through this exercise and come up with some good ideas to help all four groups navigate through this change.

What other ideas can you come up with for dealing with these different types of responses? Leave your ideas in the comments below.
Now that you know

What Is Influence? Some Quotes To Think About

There have been sociological studies that show that even the most introverted of individuals WILL influence at least ten thousand other people over a lifetime. Everybody influences somebody.

"There have been meetings of only a moment which have left impressions for life, for eternity. No one can understand that mysterious thing we call influence...yet ...everyone of us continually exerts influence, either to heal, to bless, to leave marks of beauty; or to wound, to hurt, to poison, to stain other lives."
- J.R. Miller

"Leadership is getting people to work for you when they are not obligated."
- Fred Smith

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.”
- Author Unknown

"Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means."
- Albert Einstein

"The best efforts of a fine person is felt after we have left their presence."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you were to be quoted on what influence means to you, what would you say? Leave your answer in the comments below.

Increasing Your Student Leadership Influence

I borrowed the title of this post from the book I continually draw leadership wisdom from, Increasing Your Leadership Confidence. While the book was published way back in 1989, it still has a lot of great advice for those aspiring to be better leaders.

One of the chapters deals with increasing one's influence, especially in the decision making process. I'm going to be spending quite a bit of time this month on posts that focus on a student leader's influence.

Author Bob Biehl lists the following questions (the whole book is based on good questions to ask) in regards to influence. I've added a comment or two to help you see how they relate to your role in student leadership.

• What do I consider to be the three most important decisions to be made by other people in the near future?
  You only have so much time and so much influence. You can't do everything...but you can do something. Focus your energies on the areas where your influence will make the most difference and do the most good.
• WHY do I want to influence these particular decisions?
  Your motives are going to be questioned when you start to exert your influence. You need to be aware of the reasons (the REAL reasons) behind your involvement.
• WHO will actually be making these decisions? And how can I influence them?
  Oftentimes, the person responsible for making a decision isn't always the one who will make the decision. Find out who is really pulling the strings. That's the person you'll want to figure out how to influence (and there are a variety of ways).
• Am I committed to the best interests of these people? And how can I communicate that commitment?
  The best type of influence works for the good of others. If you are only after selfish gain it will show itself somewhere in the process. And by exhibiting selfishness you start to lose influence. Helping others get what they want will always work in increasing your influence.
• What facts should these people be aware of before making these decisions?
  You bring a unique perspective to the process. You might be able to see things or have experience that can add value and help others make a better decision. If you provide pertinent information it will help people begin to see you as a necessary part of the team.
• Have I done my homework?
  Influence takes preparation. For example, taking the time to think through these questions is preparing you more than others who simply show up and want to give their opinion.
• What are the value/price considerations in these decisions?
  Every decision comes at a price and has a consequence. Helping others think through and identifying possible scenarios will assist them in making a good decision.
• Who else wants to influence these decisions?
  Think of it like the little angel and the little devil on a person's shoulder. There are those who are going to agree with your perspective and there are those who won't. Sometimes, your best influence may be spent on other influencers rather than the person who is making the decision.
• How can I invest money wisely to provide influence?
  You may or may not have money at stake as a student leader. But you do have time, energy, and your intelligence to invest in this process. Think about the resources that you have at your disposal. How can you effectively leverage those things?
• How will these decisions affect each person involved?
  Like I said earlier, every decision has consequences - both positive and negative. Part of your influence may simply be showing the decision maker how a decision might effect other people.

Think about it - you can increase your influence in a situation by how you answer or seek to answer these questions. You can also increase your influence in a decision making process by helping those involved to ask good questions like the ones listed above.

Are there other questions that you need to ask?
Can you think of ways to exert influence apart from merely holding a position of leadership?